Pull my finger. Spanish: El Buttbomba, French: eau de Chanel No. 2, Swedish: dam Stinka, German: Das Assengassen, Latin: gustus eruptus, Dutch: unsert Offen (translates to “our oven”). Many names, one smell. Mankind’s age-old nemesis—cause of awkward situations, creator of lies, and architect of the “shirt-over-the nose” fashion movement—the fart.
Farts have lingered on this earth…forever. Farts even predate Jesus—back when the earth was a primordial soup all the microbes just let them rip, giving rise to the atmosphere as we know it today. Yes, the air you are breathing is fossilized fart. Fart jokes, a tier of entertainment, even date back to Roman times. Gaius Assius wrote the first ever recorded fart joke in his Annals of Anals:
What is the definition of surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.
The ancient Chinese even incorporated it into their famous philosophical teachings:
Confucius say “man who fart in church sit in own pew”
And the seer Nostradamus used farts to predict and prophesize when his next bowel movement would occur. If history has taught us anything it’s that shit happens…but before that, farts do.
The bible is even full of farts. The Old Testament speaks of a fart that shook the world for 140 days and covered a diameter of 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high. Noah named a piece of his famed Ark, to commemorate the aforementioned catastrophe, the “poop deck”. And a little known fact—besides being the first murderer, in Genesis Cain was also the first liar. The story goes that Abel and Cain were alone standing in an elevator when a foul stench overcame Abel. Before any accusations could be aroused, Cain blurted out, “Wasn’t me”. And let us also not forget the famous Psalm:
A
belch is just one gust of wind,
That cometh from thy heart...
But should it take the downward trend,
Then turneth it to fart
I’m not quite sure which Psalm that is, maybe somewhere in the middle, but farts even have a place in our spirituality.
Science and farts also go hand in hand. Farts are scientifically known as “anal oxide” and scientists, have always strived to explain and rationalize them with empirical data and logic. The aim of the ancient science of alchemy was making the “philosopher’s stone,” a substance that changed base metals into gold, and farts into perfume…or a gold/platinum mix and also changed the sound from Beethoven’s 2nd movement into Symphony #9.
Farts are even all over the news today. I just read in US Weekly that the balloon boy thing wasn’t really a hoax. He was planning on powering that weather balloon with hot air in the form of farts. The only reason he was in the attic was that he was eating beans, saving up. Then once he saw Connie Chung he didn’t want to come out and offend her. You can blame reality tv, the parents, the media hype, the attic, and Connie Chung, but please, don’t blame the farts. That is the last thing they need right now.
Ok, so that’s everything about farts, but what happens when they actually happen? For as long as farts have existed it seems like human beings have always been displacing the blame. The cannon of fart blaming consists of 3 central phrases:
“Whoever smelt it delt it”
“Whoever made the rhyme did the crime”
“Whoever denied it supplied it”
If anything they have taught us
1) Don’t admit you smelt anything
2) Do not rhyme
3) Neither deny it nor confirm it
4) It’s ok to keep farting as long as you have a quick wit and sharp lip.
But seriously, out of the thousands of years of the English language, that’s all that we could come up with? Shakespeare wrote 38 plays and 154 sonnets, Atlas Shrugged consists of 645,000 words, Dickens wrote thousands of pages worth of novels, Stephenie Meyer wrote 4 Twilight books and all anyone could come up with were 3 lousy (ok, pretty good) phrases? Sure, there have been some decent attempts:
- Whoever opened the window let the wind blow
- If you lifted your cheek then you made it reek
- The one who said the verse made the atmosphere worse
- He who first detected it ejected it
- Whoever spoke last set off the blast
- The smeller’s the feller
- He who accuses blew the fuses
Even racists and bigots have tried to get in on passing the blame and farts have been known to be racially motivated hate crimes. In Nazi Germany a popular saying was “the fart blew from the ass of a Jew”. In the antebellum south the Grandfather Clause stated that “if your granddaddy voted and can read, then there’s no way you did the deed”. And even recently it seems that every time something smells at an anti-gay rally someone always shouts “if you’re enola GAY then you let the mushroom cloud rip today”. I just think it’s really sad when fart denial becomes a means to discriminate against someone.
Racism aside, maybe no one’s really come up with a good denial phrase to accompany the big 3 (that’ve held the test of time) because of the strict literary parameters—who the hell decided that fart phrases had to rhyme AND be in iambic verse? What is the madness behind this method? Good news is that if you painted yourself in the corner and all fingers point to you, the only phrase that will exonerate you is “I don’t’ smell anything”. Hint: it works better the longer you stall. And hey, if you do need to fart and don’t want to get strangled with red tape and roll around in lawyer logic, blame a nearby dog, cough to cover up the sound, blame it on someone who just walked by (aka a “drive by farting”) or hold it and pray it’s not a “silent but deadly”. But don’t worry—even though the food industry is constantly creating new, delicious yet undigestable foods, technology will make it easier for you to hide your farts. Yesterday we landed on the moon, today we have TiVo and DVR, and tomorrow your conscious shall be free from fart guilt and blame.
The ingenious thing about a fart is there’s really only two things you can do with one: let 'er rip or hold it in; humans have been championing their beliefs for centuries. There are many factors to consider—surrounding children/animals (to blame), quality of company (drunk gaseous friends v. Queen of England), ventilation (to negate fart dispersion) and of course the contents of your colon (did Taco Bell have a 2-for-1 special?). Of course, all these factors remain circumstantial to the real determinate in the case of holding v. ripping; the fart scale aka the Sphincter Scale*. The scale ranges from 0 (odorless) to 10 (DECAY…may cause death in children and the elderly and result in lasting negative impact on all flora and fauna in the vicinity). Using the scale as a guideline, and depending on how evil you are and how little you care about your fellow man, cramped up in small areas saturated with farts, you can decide whether or not to hold it in or grip it and rip it. Let it be known that the Dutch, and their gas chambered ovens, are the evilest fiends to ever walk the earth.
While the smell may suggest otherwise, farts aren’t all that bad. The following ballads play a positive spin on the health benefits of farting and attest to their musical harmony:
Beans, beans, they’re good for your heart
the more you eat, the more you fart
The more you fart, the better you feel...
beans, beans, for every meal!
Beans, beans, the musical fruit.
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel.
So eat more beans with every meal!**
Farts come from beans, beans are both good for your heart AND a musical fruit, ergo farts are good for your heart and may or may not be the only gaseous (and musical!) fruit. Booya, syllogism. See, Aristotle can even be applied to farts. Nbd, everyone does it...face the farts. However, it should be noted that a queef, aka fart’s female cousin from around the corner, is an entirely different phenomenon. Let me get the ball rolling on this one: “your vagina full of beef is the vessel that made the queef”. Sick.
Audrey
*Other acceptable methods of quantifying farts would be the FtD Ratio—the Fart to Death Ratio—which is the number of people who have died as a result of exposure to one person’s farts. This unit of measure is admissible in court in 63 countries. Despite having a FtD ratio of 0, I still have 17198 cases pending for attempted murder. I’m sorry…just breathe through your mouth next time I have chili and beer.
1- **In some versions the beans are “magical fruits” but that is not to say that they are not still musical. Music and magic go hand in hand. Although Teller doesn’t speak, I’m sure he has a wonderful singing voice. Maybe that’s why Penn silences him. Anyways, “musical” and “magical” are interchangeable when pertaining to beans and farts.
Movie of the Week: The Orphanage. The whole film is too entirely creepy and chilling, which makes up for the fact that it’s in Spanish and I had to read subtitles. It tells the story of a woman, an orphan herself, who goes back to live in the orphanage she grew up in and brings her own adopted son, infected with HIV, along with her. The kid disappears and she starts seeing all these ghost orphans, who may or may not also have HIV…the movie never said, but she thinks they may have something to do with his disappearance. The last 15 minutes are an emotional bi-polar roller coaster that’ll make you scared shitless one minute and so sad and crying the next. At the end you still don’t know what happens...all you know is that it’s one woman’s descent into madness. Love it.
Link
of the Week: If times ever get that though that you’re stuck jimmying
your own prosthetic limbs…
Song of the Week: Let it Linger by the Cranberries.
Video
of the Week: I don’t believe this Urban
Legend…but if it’s true, this dude might be our answer to the energy crisis.
Craigslist of the Week:
When I was 11 I got lost at the Jefferson Memorial in D.C. because I was laughing at a bathroom stall that had poop all over it while my friends left, unbeknownst to me. Finally 14 years later and I found the person again!
Dear Mystery Shitter:
I know. I know. It's downright the worst bathroom on campus. The Michigan Daily even said so in an article once. It's usually a swamp of blood, piss, shit, vomit, and several mystery substances. It's got some interesting graffiti, but that's about the only perk. I very rarely use it, as there's a much nicer one down the hall. In fact, I shouldn't even be using it at all-- I graduated this spring. However, the internet is out at home, and I've been spending lots of time in the Fishbowl as a result. Sure, I could walk down to the nice bathroom, but the Hellhole (that is what I will call it from now on) is closer. Sue me for not wanting to walk for fifteen more seconds. I'm a massive lazy-ass.
Regardless. With it being summer semester and all, the bathrooms are usually much cleaner. Even in the Hellhole, the majority of stalls are usable.
Not today.
I don't know how you did it. Maybe you were a group of people hell-bent on shitting all over the place, maybe you're some sort of weird student group (Students for Free Shit?), maybe you're just one REALLY determined person. Whichever, you managed to leave all but two of the fourteen (??? I'm guesstimating here, but it's at least over ten) stalls filthy and unusable. There is unflushed shit everywhere, and in every single toilet bowl. One of the two remaining clean stalls doesn't have a lock. Maybe you're a very modest compulsive shitter? I don't know. I'm just impressed by your ability. Please let me know who you are and how you did it-- furthermore, WHY you did it. What do you have against flushing toilets? Why are you so opposed to the restroom being clean? Why do these horror stories seem only to occur in women's restrooms? My boyfriend says the men's rooms are always squeaky clean (except for the occasional penis drawings). I know we have more intellectual graffiti (philosophical, political, and religious debates, AS WELL AS lyrics to love songs!), but why the mess? Why???
Alas, I do not know who you are, so I am unable to determine your motives. I imagine you could win some sort of Guinness World Record. Please contact me immediately.
Yours truly,
Curious
Happy
Halloween Everyone! (click the vid twice for the link-up to youtube...sooo worth it!)
People who like getting out of bed should wake up…and then go back to bed. I hate getting out of mine. It’s just so cozy and safe. When you were a kid it was the only place that monsters couldn’t get you (and still is). The only time that it is appropriate to be excited about getting out of bed is Christmas Morning, unless you’re Jewish, in which case it is never ever ok to want to get up. Folger’s claims that the best park of waking up is “Folger’s in your cup”. What a load. The best part of waking up is planning your next nap.
Personally, I am deeply moved by Beatles RockBand, mostly because I do not own Beatles RockBand but would sell my first born son, and daughter, and all my eggs for it. So bummed. So, I decided to participate in the next-best John Lennon-interactive activity. A bed in. John Lennon and Yoko Ono had two bed-ins early in 1969, one of which was their honeymoon. They stayed in bed for a week each time and even performed and recorded their famous song “Give Peace a Chance” during one of the occasions. Bingo, I hate getting out of bed, so I decided that I wouldn’t.
It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, especially since reading Dr. Seuss’ I am NOT Going to get up Today in first grade. The book’s about a little kid who refuses to get out of bed and “neither peas and beans nor the United States Marines” can get him too. Hell yeah, that kid had the right idea.
After John, Yoko, and that kid, I opted to stay in bed for 12 hours. The kid did it because he’s a little shit and John and Yoko did it to promote peace and awareness of the horrors of Vietnam. I chose some causes too…I stayed in bed to promote awareness for scurvy, diarrhea, and whooping cough. I picked scurvy because even with the advent of refrigeration and vitamin C I feel like it’s still a silent killer out on the open seas. Diarrhea is obvious because at any given moment one million Americans are suffering from it and I feel awful, especially for those with IBS. And whooping cough? Well, why not?
I was so excited to start out my day in bed, but first I laid down some ground rules. NO sleeping, NO watching TV, and limited human interaction. A friend suggested I get a bed pan but I refused…pretty sure it’s both a health and building code violation to pee in my bed, intentionally. But I stayed in bed. I kept a diary of the day to share with you all. Yes, I really kept a diary. I also videotaped my adventures and have provided links to youtube at the end of this entry so you could truly see what it was like. Enjoy.
7:20am- Eating cereal and drinking a cup o’ tea for breakfast.
7:21am- Spilt cereal while trying to adjust pillow. Does anyone know how to get milk out of memory foam???
7:40am- I’m over this.
8:02am- One hr down, 11 to go…
8:50am- Sorry Jen, but I can’t entertain your call as I am in a bed-in.
9:16am- Entertaining myself by the “Wikipedia game”—starting at one page and then, by using only the links supplied, get to a predetermined final page (and never allowed to use the back button!). Here’s what I have:
Bed In- sexual intercourse- FDA- Pharmaceutical Drug- Cure- Bacterial infection- Staph. Aureus-Meth.-resistant Staph. Aureus(MRSA) 11min38s
Bed In- John Lennon- Liverpool- England- Roman Catholic Church- First Council Of Nicea 4mins22s
9:38am- Watched John and Yoko’s Year of Peace on Netflix to inspire me and give me some tips on how to pass the time in bed. I couldn’t finish it because it was boring— there were no explosions, sex scenes, or sweet fight scenes to hold my attention. I understand their message though…it’s just that they kinda creep me out.
9:43am- Joined a fantasy fantasy football league.
10:15am- Lost 3 games of “Gin” on yahooligans.com to a 12yr old. Why isn’t this kid in school right now? Something tells me he’s not really 12…maybe a weirdo in a bed-in…or a pedophile.
10:33am- I have eye strain from “gin”. Fuck kids and fuck gin.
10:45am- Just ate a breakfast burrito…or I guess it’s a brunch burrito right now…filled with eggs, sausage, a cheese quiche, and mimosas.
11:15am- Practicing the ancient Asian art of Karaoke.
11:30am- Just named all 50 states and now trying to think of every city in the world that starts with the letter S…I came up with 20, 4 of which I know actually exist.
11:33am- Sorry mom, I cannot entertain your call as I am in a bed-in.
11:33.25am- Sorry mom, I cannot entertain your call as I am in a bed-in.
11:34.33am- As per previously stated, sorry mom, I cannot entertain your call as I am in a bed-in.
11:35.08am- Please stop calling as I cannot answer your call as I am in a bed-in.
11:36.15am- I am disconnecting my phone, as I am in a bed-in
11:53am- Just thought of a new curse word—grandma fucker. I wonder why no one’s tapped into the grandma insults, especially after the “yo mamma” thing died down. I really can’t wait to whip this out on someone.
12:00pm- I’m in prime time now!!!
12:22pm- I just ate 3 popsicles for lunch, taking them all out of the freezer at the same time. Does anyone know how to get milk and popsicle out of memory foam?
12:32pm- Holy shit, I just google imaged Yoko Ono. Has anyone seen her lately? Her boobs are HUGE. Were those things always hiding underneath that Cousin It hairdo? Ohhhhh Yooooooooko… big tatsssss!!!
12:44pm- Quit my fantasy fantasy football league. It was a lot more trouble than I initially could have imagined.
12:50pm- Naming as many fruits as I can…what the eff is the difference between a tangerine and a mandarin orange? Is coconut a fruit? And did the FDA ever decide if a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable? What’s the consensus on that? Until that’s resolved my fruit list is on hiatus.
12:58pm- I think that breakfast burrito gave me diarrhea…or maybe it was the popsicles.
1:15pm- Bed-in- Queen Elizabeth Hotel- Prince Charles- Organic Farming- Compost- Humanure(disgusting!)- Sewage- Cesspit- Toilet-Fecal Matter 16min46s
1:35pm- There’s something in my room that smells like Calvin Klein’s Obsession. Is it possible to have your nose trip out? Is that what happens when you eat too many popsicles? Or is this just a side effect of being in your bed for 6hrs?
1:44pm- I just invented a card game. It’s played with either 1 or 2 people and it’s kinda like WAR—but instead of the higher card winning, nobody wins. It’s called “PEACE” and all you do is put a card down, wait a second, then put another one down. Plus if you play 1player it’s almost as fun as solitaire.
1:57pm- I f I owned a Chinese Restaurant that was also a strip club then I would call it “Wok Out With Your Cock Out”. Also on the menu would be the “Pu Pu Platter,” except it wouldn’t be what you would order at any other regular Chinese restaurant.
2:06pm- My eye is twitching real bad. This is getting really, really annoying.
2:19pm- I was thinking about business ventures that I would consider investing in. Right now I’m thinking about hot-air submarines or hummus. Ideally I’d like to find a corporation that dabbles in both.
2:27pm- I am so bored that I just went to the restroom to kill a few minutes. I thought of trying to throw up, but there’s always next time.
2:33pm- Shouldn’t we have tried to catch bigfoot before attempting to go to the moon? Get our own shit in order before we go exploring somewhere else? I think NASA should make a pledge to catching a live sasquatch before attempting anymore space shenanigans.
2:52pm- Constructing a fort out of my bed. Nothing screams “NOT GONNA SCORE” like a 24yr old with a fort in her room.
3:16pm- It’s SOOO hot in this FORT!!! Good thing I brought along some ice cream. I’m always thinking 1 step ahead…like a carpenter making steps.
3:17pm- Does anyone know how to get milk, popsicle, AND soy ice cream out of memory foam?
3:35pm- The question isn’t “how much” but whyyy would a woodchuck chuck wood if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
3:43pm- After some more consideration, I feel as though I’d also like to invest in a chain of Chinese restaurant-strip clubs too.
3:50pm- I’m going to try to outdo Hemingway by writing a FIVE word story.
3:56pm- …For sale: Baby shoes—fuckedup.
3:56pm- Hemingway was a chauvinistic grandma fucker.
4:07pm- Hot Pockets should totally license a denim brand called “Pizza Pockets” wherein the jeans will actually have a heated, non-stick pocket to carry around hot pockets in. The company could totally become public and trade in the NYSE under “HP&PP”. I guarantee they’ll control 100% of the market share…until jordache jumps in.
4:21pm- I wish I had Beatles Rock band inside my fort right now.
4:38pm- Who would you rather, without prophylactics, Jenna Jameson, Pam Anderson, or Ron Jeremy?
4:46pm- I just tried my hand at beat-boxing. It sounded like a laser gun fight in Star Wars.
5:02pm- Have I really been in bed for 10 hours? I’m going to celebrate by standing up, giving my legs some exercise. You know what they say—use it or lo—don’t even bother and just stay in bed.
5:09pm- I see “Wizzzard96” is back online for another game of gin. Game on grandma fucker, game on.
5:28pm- I just cried for 5mins and I don’t know why. I need to interact with people.
5:39pm- Brandon Flowers. Chris Pine. Channing Tatum. Henry Cavill. Michael Phelp’s torso…in that order.
5:45pm- I gonna stare at the ceiling for 15mins.
6:00pm- Holy cow, only one more hour to go!!! I’m celebrating by having pizza for dinner…don’t worry, I know how to get pizza out of memory foam.
6:28pm- It takes the better part of 25 minutes to sing “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”.
6:35pm- I can blink my eyes 145 times in 1min although I probably miscounted…it’s hard to concentrate when you feel like you’re having a seizure.
6:42pm- Why is a raven like a writing desk? Wow, you know you’re tripping out when you bust out mad hatter quotes.
6:46pm- 5 movies that I’d take with me on a deserted island—who cares. I want to get the fuck out of bed.
6:51pm- redrum redrum redrum
6:52pm- all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girlall work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl all work and no play makes Audrey a dull girl
7:00pm- The horror…the horror…
It’s pretty obvious that my mental state began to spiral downward at the end and I even saw/started to hear things. Sure, every morning we all curse getting out of bed and wish we could hit snooze forever—we’re all guilty of romanticizing being in bed all day when it’s actually not as great as you would think. I felt like a convict in solitary confinement…like Steve McQueen in The Great Escape except I had no tennis ball to entertain myself and apparently the internet only does so much for so long. It also took me 2 days to get back to my normal self and a lot of beer and wine was needed to aid in my recovery. John and Yoko made it look so easy. Truth is, they always had a ton of people in their rooms, including celebrities, and it was like one big party for those 2 weeks. It also sucks that I couldn’t sleep…so tantalizingly agonizing. I felt like Sisyphus rolling that boulder, except I was in bed and had no access to one. I think twice about getting out of bed now, but I still don’t want to. I decided that all my problems would be solved with a racecar bed, one that actually ran though so I could go places. That would be the life and an idea that I’m sure would bail out American automakers/Serta. For now I guess I’m just gonna have to settle with bitching and just get the fuck out of bed.
Audrey
Here’s some video links of my escapades:
Bed In Part 2 This one's a musical tribute to John and Yoko's original bed-in.
It’s best to read this post, watch part 1, then part 2, in that order. Only then will you know and grow to understand what I went through.
Songs of the Week: Oh Yoko by John Lennon
Sleeping In by the Postal Service
Videos of the Week: Don’t Look Back in Anger- by Oasis, but only because they reference the John/Yoko bed-ins with the lines “Gonna start a revolution in my bed/Cause you said the brains I had went to my head”
Rising by the Yoko Ono Plastic Ono Band. Never before have I ever heard a song that pains all my 5 senses, including my 6th sense of avoiding Yoko Ono.
Craigslist of the week:
$1,000 Reward for Information (Hollywood)
Date:
2009-09-08, 2:25PM PDT
Reply to: job-tsjhu-1364672928@craigslist.org
[Errors when replying to ads?]
This post in not a joke. I would be extremely happy to
pay someone $1,000 for the information I need. My name is Jonathan Reynolds and
I’ve become the victim of some type of game or practical joke. It began with
people following me for about a year. Within the last few months, people began
to recognize me whenever I have gone out in public. I am certain they are not
mistaking me for any celebrities and based on what I have overheard, they know
specific private details about my life. I’ve tried to ask these people where
they know me from but have failed at getting anybody to tell. I’ve had
conversations with people who have acknowledged my involvement in this thing
but they were careful not to specifically tell me what it is. My privacy has
been violated and it has taken a huge toll on my life as well as my family’s
lives. My mother frequently cries over this and it’s taking a toll on her
health. These problems are real and I’m asking for somebody to please help. I
need someone to tell me what this game is and I will very happily pay you
$1,000.
Please check out my profile picture (www.facebook.com/jreynolds01) to see if
you recognize me. Please text or call and leave a message. (323) 449-4475.
Serious callers only please. The money will go to the first person who gives me
the information which I will need to verify. The information and money can be
exchanged anonymously if preferred.
This is HILARIOUS. Is this Truman Burbank from the movie The Truman Show? Dude, maybe you just have a normal looking face that just looks like a generic dude…like the blank Honda Accord of people. Your mom “cries frequently” over this? Tell her to grow up, shut up, and stop being a little bitch. I also like how you give out all your personal info, so just in case no one’s really stolen your identity, they now have the proper info to do so. Stop being so paranoid you idiot.
On a kind of un-related note, if it does turn out that you’re really on some reality show, please tell me what it is because it sounds too hilarious to miss! Better than The Office! Now THAT’S must-see-television!
Michael Ian Black
“If Denny's marketed a perfume called "Grand Slam Breakfast," I bet it would literally sell like hotcakes.”
“Realized today that I spend a lot less time thinking about black widow spiders than when I was a kid.”
“Spanish lesson: "Paella" means "I don't know what I'm eating with this rice."”
Rainn Wilson
“Usain Bolt should enter 'The Amazing Race'. He would dominate.”
Paris Hilton
“On my way to the airport to fly to Venice. I Love Italy! Such a beautiful and romantic city and the food is incredible!”
Yes, incredible for the 10minutes it’s in your stomach til you barf it up.
“Having lunch at Gordon Ramsay's restaurant at the airport. The food is delicious, I definately reccomend it.”
I definately reccomend you go back and get your GED.
“Gordan just came and introduced himself to us. He was so nice and friendly, such a talented chef.”
What the fuck is Gordon Ramsay doing working at the airport chiles? Have things really taken a turn for the worse after Hell’s Kitchen?
Kirstie Alley
“HELLO AMERICAN CITIZENS...lol..suddenly american business woman appears to be the only chubster in france... Must eat like the french chicks”
I’m pretty sure the “french chicks” aren’t eating 5 big macs a day. And yes, you are the fattest person in France right now. Depending on how long you stay, they might grant you membership in the European Union.
Kirstie Alley then addresses Perez Hilton and goes on to attack him.
“You really can attack me all you want. You are free to follow a person who has no regard for decency, or children. THe pig's in your court..”
“I SWEAR, I will punch the bitch out myself..keep degrading children with your smut and I will make Will I Am look like an amatuer..”
Perez Hilton
His only response?:
“@kirstiealley You should vomit more often, sweetie. It'd do you good! Xoxo”
Jenna Jameson
“at the airport, on my way to Arizona…can’t wait to see Clay!”
Aiken?
“tito and I are gonna met up tonight and paint our bedroom red ;) hehehehee”
Don’t tell me you’re on your period. Sick. You’re gonna make that poor hotel room look like the scene of the manson murders. You should tip the cleaning lady extra for that mess.
“Is it wrong to HATE wearing a bra at 35?”
I didn’t think you needed to wear a bra to give a blow job, but go figure. And you didn’t wear a bra for the first 35 years of your life, so what’s stopping you now?
“Made my man dinner, and now we are gonna work it off :) hehehehee”
I see you have time to twitter but not put on a condom before sex.
Kim Kardashian
“my grandma asked the waiter what room they stayed in but he wouldn’t tell!”
The kardashian family finally confirms what medical science has tried to do for 400 yrs…sluts run in the family.
“If u could find out the exact day, time & circumstances of your death, would u want 2 know?”
Can you see into the future Kim?
“I'm going back to black, everyone!! Take one last look while you can ;)”
You’re going back to Reggie? Um dude…the black doesn’t rub off on you…doesn’t matter how big your ass is.
Lauren Bosworth
“I hate it when I see women crossing the street not holding their young children's hands. Helllo!!”
Hello! Sorry not every kid has a child leash like you did! And maybe YOU should be more concerned about not texting, bbm-ing, and twittering whilst driving and then maybe people wouldn’t be so scared to let their kids out of the house.
“i swear chloe the dog can count-when i give her treats she refuses to accept less than 2. every time. brillz!!!”
I don’t think she can count…I just think she’s smarter than you. Who’s the bitch’s bitch now?
Weird Al Yankovic
“Okay, everybody – favorite one-celled organism, amoeba or paramecium?”
Your penis.
“Hey, do I have something on my face?”
No, but you have something really disgusting on top of your neck.
Perez Hilton
“Wow. Why didn't anyone tell me I looked like a leprechaun BEFORE I sat down to do my Tyra interview?!?!?!”
Let me be the first to tell you that you also look like a Leprechaun AFTER the tyra interview.
Miley Cyrus
“Making dinner. AKA a peanut butter and jelly :)”
Apparently the recession has even hit hillbillies…they no longer have the resources to scrape road kill off the road and make sammiches outta that.
“I've decided that I reallllllly don't like getting my picture taken.”
Then do us all a favor and paper bag it.
“Driving around LA wiff mommy listening to Celine Dion.”
This is either child abuse or a sick attempt at trying to be cool
“Drinkin' coffee Pappy style. =]”
aka with 3 fingers of bourbon and a mullet while listening to “Achy Breaky Heart”.
Pamela Anderson
“"Give me a fruitful error anytime, full of seeds, bursting with its own corrections."
Even Pam’s poetry is hardcore pornographic.
Shaq
“deeez nuts, aha got yalll, if u fell for that come on now, lol lmfao, aha got u all”
Who’s nuts? Dozzz nuts? You still IM at a 6th grade level. Grow up.
Stephanie Pratt
“Have u ever been so tired that when ur in the shower u have to take a quick sit-down break.I've been trying to shampoo while sitting hahaha”
No, no, I can’t say that I have or ever heard of anyone else having that same problem you dumb bitch.
Heidi Montag
“i pray everyone is getting ready for Jesus to come back! it could be any moment!”
This sounds so familiar…hey, are you that person disguised as a bum on Hollywood Bld. that hands out bibles?
Yoko Ono
“Recently, two scientists researching the creation of ocean waves came to the conclusion that any and everything affects the whole ocean.”
Recently scientists have discovered that being fucked up lasts your whole life. You creep me out. Really.
Rando aka “Hollywood Lucky”
This is some rando that I had the pleasure of discovering. He really went to town on the #uknowufrombrooklyn thread. Here are all his responses:
“mcdonalds den sex”
“dat bitch wasn't drunk”
“when ur brotha hook u up 2 fuck dat nigga...”
“maybe gucci n polo down... Nice...”
“if u don't have a job, go 2 skool, or have ur own crib... I hope u got a gun 2 kill urself... lmao”
“if u can't get ur girlfriend 2 come 2... 2 is better den 1...”
I don’t understand some of the things he’s come up with…but then again, I’m not from Brooklyn.
Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey/Excellent Adventure, Butterfly Effect, Back to the Future I,II, and III, 13 Going on 30, Encino Man, 12 Monkeys, All the Austin Powers, Jetsons Meet the Flintstones, Run Lola Run, Terminator 1,2, and 3 (not 4), The Time Traveler’s Wife, Planet of the Apes, Big, and that one scene from Napoleon Dynamite. The important message of all these movies is WHAT IF one could travel through time to escape/prevent problems. Ever since H.G. Wells first introduced the concept of time travel in 1895 with his novel, The Time Machine, humanity hasn’t looked back…well, actually we CAN’T stop looking back. Out of all the billions of organisms on earth, humans are the only ones gifted with the abilities of time travel, probably because our opposable thumbs let us build time machines in the first place. But we haven’t made much progress. Currently, we can only travel forward at 1 minute per minute except twice a year when we can travel an hour ahead in spring and an hour back in fall (Arizona and Hawaii do not have these time travel privileges). Time travel…nbd.
I don’t think about time travel as much as I should. I just recently watched the movie 17 Again again. Seriously, I’ve never seen Zac Effron before but he’s hot shit. I wish I could travel back in time and be 17 again to jump his bones. Or hell, I totally don’t mind going Mary Kay Letourneau on him. Anyways, this movie really re-kindled the time travel flame and I’m again seriously considering it.
I researched the actual dynamics of time travel. George Carlin has since passed, so he can’t give me a magic phonebooth like he did Bill and Ted. What about the Delorean? Funny thing is that I saw the exact one from the movie (complete with the fucking booster jets in the back!) on Sunset 3 weeks ago so it’s obvious someone is following my paper trail and stole me idea to steal it from the ride at Universal Studios. Bummer. I decided to look into building my own. Since Radio Shack does not carry flux capacitors along with its regular capacitors, it became obvious that I would have to start from scratch.
I got worm(hole)s. A wormhole is something some guy in a
wheelchair who speaks through a computer processor made up that could possibly
provide a means to travel through time.
I’d try to explain it to you, but after reading “A Brief History of Time," I’m not sure my genitals work anymore.
After some research I found this equation for wormholes:
I took trig in high school and I had to memorize all the trig identities…9 yrs ago but I can still hang…sin2x+cos2x= 1, right? And cosecant(x) is the reciprocal of sin(x), and since the Law of Cosines is the inverse of your mom…Q.E.D. time machine bitches. Yeah…I’m pretty sure I have no fucking idea how to make a time machine and not even cheating and putting any equation into my TI-84 can help me. So I’m not into making a time machine anymore, so what. One of my Asian relatives can invent that shit, they’re better at math (and science, and engineering, and communism) than I am anyways.
What about philosophically—would you ever consider leaving the present to jump to your future like in BIG or Click (with Adam Sandler) or going back in time to have a Groundhog Day? What is our obsession with anachronisms? Maybe it’s because we make a lot of mistakes, and unfortunately life doesn’t come with erasers (or cures for cancer). Personally, yeah, there are a few moments that I’d love to go back to and re-do. How about my first kiss. I was in 6th grade and, with much publicized pomp, wiped it off my face in front of everyone. Emotionally scarring. According to facebook, that unlucky gentleman is now gay and I can’t help but feel a little responsible. And I sure as hell wish I could go back to last week before I ate that potato salad that gave me diarrhea.
As a whole though, I wouldn’t want to go back in time for longer than 25 minutes because longer than that you might have a butterfly effect. Although I think it’d make more sense to kill an elephant and have that change the whole course of the future rather than a butterfly, I still wouldn’t want to tempt fate. Also, I think any other period of time would be appropriate to travel back to other than middle school. I had the deadly trifecta—bangs, braces, glasses—and there’s no way in hell that I’m reliving those days. But some things really need to be revisited. What about a “jerkstore comeback”? Also called l’esprit de l’escalier in French—meaning “the stairway comment” because it’s the perfect comeback that you think of to an insult after the fact, in the stairway on your way out. Instead of running back up the stairway it makes more sense to invest in time travel to go back to say the perfect thing…or just kick the dude’s ass. I know I have more things that I’d like to go back in time for and I’m sure some other people do too.
- John Lennon: “No on Yoko”
- Monica Lewinsky: “Note: next time take the dress to the cleaners”
- The Pharisees: “Shit…our bad”
- The whole country of Germany, 1939-1940: “No, if our Führer jumped off a bridge we won’t…again”
- Hugh Grant: “Next time just get the BJ from Elizabeth Hurley”
- John and Kate Gosselin: “Street drugs really are the gateway to fertility drugs”
- Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly: “We shoulda went for the face”
- Mama Cass: “Stay away from ham sandwiches”
- Janice Joplin: “Take lozenges before singing”
- Spencer Pratt’s mom: “I should have used a condom”
- JFK: “duck”
- Spanish Armada: “Red sky at night, a shepherd’s delight. Red sky in the morning, a sailor’s warning.”
- Hannibal: “Fuck the alps. Fuck elephants”
- Amelia Earhart: “Wait ‘til GPS is invented”
- R.M.S. Titanic: “Don’t write a check that your ass can’t cash”
- Paparazzi: “Do not chase princesses through the streets of Paris at 80mph”
- Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock: “Do not drive a bus below 55 mph”
- Noah: “To avoid extensive animal overpopulation, only take 2 of every other animal”
- Mike Tyson: “Next time have some ketchup with that ear”
- George Armstrong Custer: “Don’t fuck with the natives”
- Elian Gonzales: “Stay in Miami, especially now since Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian are there”
- David Blaine: “Learn more card tricks than Kris Angel, Mindfreak”
- Wild Bill Hickok: “Fold on aces and eights”
It’s an essential part of life to move on and not dwell on the past; no one wants to be an Uncle Rico living back in ’82 forever. True, with TiVo, we can all travel back in time to watch must-see-live television but not everything works in real life as it works on tv. And SPOILER ALERT: for the most part, everything can be solved/prevented by thank you, I love you, and I’m sorry. So maybe we shouldn’t muddle with time and the moral of films such as Big and 17 Again is that time traveling creates more problems than it solves and perhaps is best left to Deloreans and magical phonebooths. Still, there’s an actual Zoltar over at the Santa Monica Pier that I might check out sometime. Let me know if you have any questions, comments and/or concerns about time travel or any wishes that you would like me to ask him. But as of now I will not be accepting messages; I will be traveling through time and I’ll be back last week.
Audrey
Netflix of the Week: 17
Again. Ok, it has Zac Effron but
please do not judge a movie by its tween.
It’s BIG... but in reverse! 40-some yr old loser dad Matthew Perry (in a
role that hit a little close to home) magically transforms into his 17yr old self
(Effron). Although there’s no scene with
a floor piano at FAO Schwartz or Effron wearing a blue tux eating baby corn,
any movie with the quotes, “you can plunder my dungeon anytime,”
and “I'd shake your hand, but it's taped to my ass” definitely deserves
recognition and star power. Also, Jan
Levinson from the Office stars as the
high school principal and this other guy plays the token-nerd best friend who
keeps the laughs coming. Don’t let the
Disney insignia fool you—this movie is tailored to adults and you don’t have to
like High School Musical and the Jonas
Brothers to love this movie. This movie
will surprise you and you won’t believe how much you like it ‘til you’ve seen it. But please Disney, don’t try to push your
luck by putting Hannah Montana in any serious role!
Song/Videos of the Week: “If I Could Turn back Time” by Cher. The garter. The tights. The hair. The leather. The air-craft carrier. The thin strip of ribbon covering her vagina. The charm bracelet covering the thin strip of ribbon covering her vagina. Priceless.
Again, thanks to anti-embeddin, click the video, and then again for the re-direct to youtube.
“Only Time” by Enya.
Certainly one of my top 3 favorite Celtic artists. Ever.
Link of the Week:
Tips for the first-time time traveler
This Week on Craigslist: PORN! The best thing invented since cavemen figured out how to use genitals. Here we have a wonderful piece of porn machinery for sale and also some guidelines on how to rent/purchase porn from that shop off the highway.
Porn laptop
Date: 2009-07-19, 7:10PM PDT
I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it's a blue
toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs
of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don't need this one. I call it
a porn laptop because I'm pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I
still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about
200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for
porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of
that. I wouldn't type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has
some viruses and spyware so it's not worth the risk. Great for porn though.
So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated
just for porn, I got your back.
Give me an email, price is negotiable
To The People Buying and Renting Porn at My Store
Date: 2009-07-20, 9:52PM EDT
Dear Porn Purchaser,
1. I'll say this one time only: we do not accept returns unless the movie you purchased is defective in some way. This means the movie doesn't play. This does not mean that the video was not long enough, didn't feature enough fucking, didn't feature enough money shots, featured too many dicks and not enough pussy, featured too many pussies and not enough dicks or any other content-based complaint you may have. You bought it, you wanked to it and now its yours. Forever. kthxbye.
2. If your movie is defective, you have two (2) days to return it with the receipt and original package. This means if you purchase the movie on Monday morning, you have until Wednesday evening to bring it back. This means when you return the movie, you have to have that little piece of paper we give you when we sell you the movie and the cover and box must be intact. It's possible, but very unlikely, that we didn't give you a receipt. It's impossible that you didn't get the packaging. That's just ridiculous. Oh, and if you return a movie, I will put the movie in our DVD player to make sure it doesn't work. Yes, that's right. I'm college educated and I get to check porn for defects at work. My parents sure are proud.
3. Seriously, who purchases porn anymore? Have you ever heard of the internet? Well, in case you haven't, it's a magical series of tubes that gives you access to a plethora of pornography you cannot even imagine. Pornography beyond your wildest dreams! And, better yet, it's free!
4. Seriously, who rents porn anymore? Please see #3.
5. Why are you so fucking picky about your pornography? I really don't understand. It's a movie. With people fucking each other. A lot. The movies are separated into broad genres in our movie section for your convenience. You can find run of the mill people fucking each other a lot movies, movies with only black people fucking each other a lot, interracial groupings fucking each other a lot, only men fucking each other a lot, only women fucking each other a lot, people fucking each other a lot and doing kinky shit at the same time, and so on. It's pretty basic and usually, the titles describe what is going to happen in the movie pretty well. "Big Black Poles in White Holes," for instance, says a lot about what the movie will be about. So do titles like "Giant Goo Covered Jugs," "Girls Kissing Girls," "Anal Addiction," "Big Wet Asses," "Enema Queens," and "Hairy Cooter Bonanza." Usually, you don't have to think a lot about what a movie is about (other than fucking, of course) - pornography isn't known for being demure.
6. I have not seen every movie in our collection so I can't tell you whether "Giant Greeze Covered Asses" is better than "Big Wet Booty Poppin' Booty." To be honest, I don't even like pornography. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you about my pornography watching habits. Please use your own discretion in determining which movie is right for you.
7. I can help you find movies by title, studio or star. If you don't have a specific title, studio or star you are looking for, please limit your question asking. We have thousands of movies and I'm not going to look through them to help you find a movie featuring double penetration, strap ons, interracial couplings, and hairy women covered in oil wearing rubber. Take your specific fetishes to the internet. Please see #3 and 4.
8. Some of you rent or purchase multiple movies every day or so. Do you have a job? Do you do anything except watch porn? How have you not masturbated yourself retarded at this point? Seriously...calm down a little bit and, for the love of God, save yourself some money and get a computer and internet access.
Thanks and have a nice day,
Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk
Post Scripts
· The pic was way too good to mess up with PhotoShop. Thanks to Fox Searchlight Pictures and MTV films for the main pic.
· Also, stay tuned—in the next few days I’ll be posting my new celeb twitter updates. I know my blogs have been falling behind (posted late on Thursdays) but after the move I’m getting back into the swing of things. Twitter posts should be updated every 2-3 days. Oh, and if anyone out there cares, you can check out my new Twitter link to the right or just find me under “audknut”.
Twitter is great because it’s real celebs talking about what’s going on in their lives, at that very moment. Since it’s in real time and not censored, it’s a million times more entertaining that In-Touch or US Weekly.
Whenever I find a great collection of tweets I’ll be sure to post them…with my own personal comments, of course.
Here’s what went down in Hollywood on Sept. 1.
Lauren Conrad
“Planning Loey’s B-day Party. We want to do a theme…so far we have evolution or casino royal. Ideas?”
Hmm…neatherthals vs. james bond. Tough call. I wonder what the Geico caveman would have to say about your “theme” party at the expense of his image and dignity. Also, Charles Darwin says he’d better get a facebook invite.
“Does anyone know if there is a fire in LA?”
Try turning on CNN, opening a newspaper (don’t worry, all you have to do is look at the pictures, no reading involved) or drag your ass to a window.
Heidi Montag
Most of Heidi Montag’s tweets have deep religious undertones.
“thank you God for another day of this short life! enjoy every moment! live it up! enjoy this blessed day!”
It’s a short life for you because someone will eventually kill you in your sleep. It’ll prob be perez hilton, spencer, or the millions of Americans that hate you. My advice is to sleep with one eye open.
“for all of you out there dont give up! Jesus loves you! He has died for our sins! there is hope!!”
Don’t give yourself false hope Heidi. The Bible specifically says that it hates you. Not sure where…I think it’s somewhere in the back.
“just finished working out!”
aka another visit to the plastic surgeon.
Brooke Hogan
“Acoustic + unplugged =FUN”
Especially for everyone else if you have no part in anything in that equation.
Weird Al Yankovic
“REALLY, Amazon? You STILL don’t have my “Internet Leaks” EP up for sale? Good thing it’s available EVERYWHERE ELSE.”
Yes, it’s available at every single music store in hell including iTunes. Thank goodness Amazon has standards.
Kim Kardashian
“Is it weird if I sleep in my workout clothes so I can get up early at 6am & workout? It will force me to & save time!”
Yes kim, those 2 seconds it takes to slap on a sports bra and some booty shorts are way too valuable to waste. I hear sarah palin sleeps in pant suits and lindsay lohan sleeps with coke for the exact same reason.
Shaq
“went to the la zoo today, a chimpanzee spit at me, dam i must be ugly, lol”
He must still be a lakers fan, or maybe he’s a chimp that just can’t believe that chimpanzees are humans’ closest relative and that you two are genetically 98.5% the same. Hell, I’d be spitting up a storm too! So yeah, you are truly the reason why monkeys will rise up and turn this into a planet of the apes.
“LOVE YALL BABY LOVE YALL, YES IM SCREAMIN IT, AAAAAAAAAAAAGH”
Is shaq having an orgy via twitter? I saved the transcript to give to chris Hansen and the rest of the “to catch a predator” crew. You be busted shaq.
Stephanie Pratt
“Happy 1st of sept! Im starting my day by fixing a vintage painting w Rubber Cement-the most fun glue for arts and crafts!!”
Why, so you can roll it up in balls that look like boogers? I’m pretty sure you can’t fix a van Gogh with rubber cement. This isn’t paper maché you idiot.
The butcher the baker and the candlestick maker are now unemployed. And it’s no wonder. The average U.S. unemployment rate is 9.7% in this wintery economic climate. They call it a “recession,” or a slowdown/stalemate of economic activity after a period of growth. What it basically means is that shit used to be good, but now it’s not. For some people that’s literal. Seriously. 2 girls 1 cup, no job. One moment you’re pooping into a cup and the next your friend’s eating it, and then the moment after those two you’re out of work. It’s just not right.
Things are also horrible for college graduates as the “be cool, stay in school” and Nancy Reagan’s “Just say NO to drugs” campaigns in the 80s has flooded the market with millions of qualified individuals. Thanks for nothing public service announcements and Nancy Reagan. Thanks for keeping kids on the straight path. Thanks for giving me more competition. Lucky for me, my B.A. in B.S. puts me at advantage over the average Joe. But still, just as your mother always told you, B.S. does not fall far from the bull’s ass and will only get you so far.
So, for the thousands of unemployed people just like me, I’ve been exploring new career paths outside of what I would have ever considered under normal economic circumstances. Quite frankly, I think it’s great to try new things because you get to surprise yourself in areas that you never thought that you’d be good at. And hey, if you do suck at it, there’s nothing like a fire under your ass to really get you going. This is a big, sick, disgusting world and thanks for cutthroat capitalism there are still plenty of jobs to be had and tons of money to be made. I put together a list of jobs that I’m considering pursuing in hopes that it might stimulate others who are at a crossroads in their lives. Don’t steal my jobs though. I’ll kill you.
- Bodyguard. I’m not exceptionally big or muscular nor do I have any particularly cool fighting skills, but I could just get a gun. And if the assassin has a gun (of course they do) then I’ll just get a bigger gun. I’m thinking 4 Colt 0.45s (placing holsters at each hip, my ankle, and one huge surprise one hidden in the mullet that I’m gonna grow). From drinking so much red bull I have better reflexes than Butch Cassidy, but just in case they do beat me, I will pull out the shotgun I have hidden in my wooden leg (that I’ll have after I get my real one amputated). I’ll have guns everywhere and the perp won’t know what hit them. I’ve found that the most successful element in bodyguarding is surprise. I’ll be like a magician, but with guns…a lot. As part of my fee I’ll require that my protectee write me an adult contemporary ballad like Whitney Houston did for Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. Hiding guns is hard and I just want to feel like my efforts are being rewarded.
- X-Wing Fighter Pilot. I’m gonna get Xzibit to pimp my x-wing and put in like 2 plasma screens, a PS3 with Rock Band, and a bitchin’ bass system so I can just sit back and chill while R2-D2 does all the work. He’s a robot so he’ll be too stupid to know what’s going on…unless he wises up like HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey, in which case I will not let him play the drums on rock band with me when he is trying to kill me and he certainly can’t touch my shit after I’m dead.
- Greeting card writer. Greeting cards have gotten so lame lately. They either have some Shakespearean sonnet written on them in cursive that makes no sense, a fake Polaroid on the front, or some Kathy comic ripoff complete with the “” stress lines coming out of their heads. No one in their right mind wants to say “Happy Birthday” with Kathy. My idea, which I just sent to Hallmark, is a card with a blank cover and written inside, in Times New Roman, is “Happy Birthday Bitch. You’re 1year closer to death.” There won’t be any unnecessary exclamation points!!! and the only punctuation will be in the last line “See you again next year…?”
- Tailor. I’d just tell people to lose weight or grow taller so I wouldn’t have to do anything, maybe even give them some hGH supplied to me by the same guy who gave Barry Bonds his. So yeah, I’ll even be endorsed by Barry Bonds. How many other tailors can say that? The only downfall is if this nudist thing catches on. Then I’ll just be back to where I am now.
- Crayon maker. After owning several easy-bake ovens I know that I am more than qualified to pour liquid into a mold. The best part of it would be making up cool names to jazz up the primary colors like KKK White, Bush Black, Dirty Sanchez Brown, Pneumonia Phlegm Green, Blue Balls Blue, and Dog Dick Red. I’m not coming up with one of those crazy 64packs though, my crayons will only come in packages of 6. If some kid wants to make purple he’s just gonna have to mix blue balls with dog dick.
- Taco Bell employee. My special ingredient in the volcano taco won’t be the lava sauce, but not washing my hands after going #2.
- Pharmaceuticals. Do I know a ton about drugs? If you can’t inject it, smoke it, or if it’s suppository, then yes, I think I know a thing or two. But that’s not the field I want to get into. I’ll just make placebos. The market has always been HUGE for that, especially with all the clinical studies and hypochondriacs these days. I’m thinking about just buying a million cases of tic tacs and dispensing them, with a new label, to every Rite Aid, Walgreens, and CVS I can find. The best part is, thanks to the subconscious brain for reasons unclear to modern science, that they’ll probably work. And I won’t even have to dick around with drug labels! No surgeons general warning or anything! Perfect. My only concern will be directed to a small, but growing number of Americans, “If diabetic take with 5 hits of insulin”.
- Pearl Necklace Maker…but not the kind that uses beads. Since I was not fortunate to be born with the proper equipment, I’ll just have to use synthetics derived from soy. Nothing makes a girl feel special like a pearl necklace, nothing.
- IKEA furniture. With IKEA’s vast expansion due in part to the economic downturn and increased demand for cheap ass Scandinavian furniture one step above legos, I see potential. They’re gonna be rolling out a bunch of new products for the consumer and I’m just the person to name them. The problem with IKEA product names, besides the fact that you can’t pronounce them unless your ancestors pillaged and plundered all of Europe, is that they tell you nothing about the product itself. Like what the hell is a EKTORP living room set? I’ve added these potential names to my resume and it’s getting sent first class to Stockholm in the morning.
Here are a selection of the token play on names furniture:
AIMYIE WINEHOUSE Wine and Heroine Cabinet
AVERAGE JGHŒ SYXPPÅKK Bottle Opener
GUSTAFFUS FOR THE REST OF US Serving Platter
COURTNET LØV Seat
And then the miscellaneous junk:
ÄRIANVIK Racial Cleanser
SKKANNK Wardrobe
GUTFÜK Bed
KONTOM ÄKSIDDENT
Little tike’s bed with matching SVMALLL MYSTÄK changing station
DØÜSVCHE Bag
ÄNÅL KURYÅS Probe
PYBIC/BÜSCH WÄKKÖR Shaving Trimmer
HERTÅTTAKK HAUS Fridge
KKKRÅP WYYP toilet paper holder
WETDDYÅRRHEA Toilet
SVÅGINNA
monologues stage
ÄNNYTA DYKK Dildo
No matter what I do it’s inevitable that I’m going to hate it. Jobs suck and I don’t know how long I’ll personally feel fulfilled after producing over a million ÄNÅL KURYÅS probes or impeding death birthday cards. This problem has plagued humanity ever since monetary denominations were invented. Unfortunately for us, there aren’t any more quick fixes. Why aren’t there anymore gold rushes? I know there’s gold around—cash 4 gold and Ed McMahon don’t have a monopoly on the stuff. I could kick ass as a prospector, but I guess I was born a century too late. I suppose there’s just not an easy way to make an honest living anymore. How about being a financial investor? Yes! If you’re interested, send me a check for $100,000. I promise that you’re portfolio will grow ten-fold during the next year, as long as you get your friends in on it too. And don’t worry, my friend, business partner, and confidant Bernie Madoff has assured me this isn’t some sort of pyramid scheme; I’ve seen all the charts and diagrams and it’s more like an upright isosceles triangle success plan. I mean, it’s either that or slaving away for the man for the rest of your life. It’s your future bitches, make the right call.
Audrey
Video of the Week: Why Don’t
you Get a Job by the Offspring.
Because we all have a girlfriend and we hate that bitch.
click the video, then click it again to take you to youtube
Band of the Week: Matt and Kim. Who’s ever heard of a one man band? And how about a one man one woman band? These crazy mofos from Brooklyn have a slammin sound with electronic influences, repetitive melodic phrasing, extensive vamping, minor key tonality, and use of techno synthesizers which all means it’s fast, catchy, and will always put you in a good mood. Plus they’re kick ass to see live. You will never see a better, more energetic drummer whose drumsticks are always flipping faster than Bruce Lee with Nunchucks than Kim. Take a back seat Ringo Starr.
Song of the Week: Surrender by Cheap Trick. You don’t need to surrender to the man just to make sure mommy’s alright and daddy’s alright.
From Craigslist Classifieds:
A-List Actor needed
We need YOU to get this script off the ground!!
This modern day supernatural thriller fared well in the current Nicholl Fellowships in Screenwriters Competition, scoring in the top 10% from 6500 entries. The visionary premise of this story revolves around the dark side of politics, the pharmaceutical industry, healthcare reform and the unlikely teaming of a dead girl, a by-the-book scientist and a famous psychic medium, who uncover their dirty secrets.I've been writing this script for 7 years. It's time has come. Serious inquiries only.
From: Audrey
Date: Thursday
27 August 2009 11.18am
To: : job-qv4sq-1341779271@craigslist.org
Subject:
Re: A-List Actor Needed
Hello
I had a few questions in regards to your craigslist listing.
1. What the hell is a “Nicholl Fellowship”? Never heard of it. Is it foreign and/or French for joke? Or is it an elementary school writing contest about what you did over the past 7 years of your life?
2. What do you need the “A-List” actor to play? The dead girl, by-the-book scientist, or the famous psychic medium? Personally I think you need three A-List actors, but you could probably get away with using a coked out z-lister for the dead girl, but you’d need a real blockbuster star with real psychic powers to play the psychic medium.
3. I have a Ouija board so I have real psychic powers.
4. Whose “dirty little secrets” will you be exposing? Sorry, dumb question, it’s healthcare reform. They have a whole closets full of skeletons wearing dirty laundry. Way to put those bastards in their rightful place.
5. Really, it took you seven years? Do you own a word processing computer or typewriter or are you still using a Guttenberg Press?
6. This is, in fact, a serious inquiry. Dead serious, almost as dead as the dead girl in your script.
Thanks so much. And unfortunately I don’t think George Clooney reads craigslist, so either change your search methods or maybe try writing something that makes sense. I’ve heard, from somewhere that I can’t recall at the moment, of this guy “Nicholl” that gives fellowships. Maybe he can help you.
Regards, Audrey
He eats snakes, worms, grubs, zebra carcasses, live fish, and probably babies. He answers to the name “Bear Grylls” and he lives on a barge on the river Thames with his wife and sons, Marmaduke and Huckleberry. Sure, most of his stuff on Man vs. Wild is probably staged and he’s probably staying in a hotel while filming, but the time he drank his own urine? That was real. How about when he bit the head of that live snake and ate it as it defecated in his throat? Real. Or when he squeezed the water out of elephant dung and drank it? 100% real. Because of his show I’m more than certain that I could survive if I was ever lost in the Sahara, Scotland highlands, or Amazon. Suck it mother nature.
The reason for Bloggin-Dazs’ hiatus is because we have just recently relocated to the thriving metropolis of Los Angeles, California. Sure, I can survive in the wild, but what about the urban jungle? How the hell am I supposed to outwit, outplay, and outlast here? Good news is that the survivor skills acquired through Bear Grylls are most certainly transferrable to the urban setting. Here we go. I will teach you how to stay alive in the city.
· Shelter. A homebase, a headquarters, an address, is the most important thing to have. If bamboo and bay leaves are not plentiful to make your own shelter, try finding some place on craigslist. Just make sure you check it out before signing your name to any commitments.
- First off, check for ghosts. That shit will fuck you up and decrease the value of your real estate so flippin fast. Try hiring the Ghostbusters (and make sure they don’t try to bullshit you by NOT using the PKE meter!). You can also try hiring Haley Joel Osment to make sure he doesn’t see any dead people.
- It is preferable that your shelter is on the high ground and away from any levees in case of Hurricane Katrinas.
- Make sure you have stairs or an elevator, or at least a firepole so don’t have to jump out the window to get everywhere. The waiver on the firepole is that you have to climb up it to get back in, which is ok if you’re not fat and have a bunch of groceries to move up there. And if you are fat and you have a lot of groceries, you probably shouldn’t be buying that many groceries. If all else fails and you do have to jump out the window of your complex, try to increase your surface area by sprawling out and a cat once told me that you should try to land on your feet. Keep a wheelchair or rascal scooter handy in case you break anything.
- Check that your building has all the necessary permits and is up to code. Also, if you’re planning on making any foundational improvements—moats, watchtowers, helicopter pads—make sure to run it by your local council first.
· Water. Tap water is full of pollutants and bottled water is full of germs and clutters landfills so it’s best to go seek your own. Remember, water collects at the lowest ebb so go to the low point in your community and bring a Brita with you. And if you like to season your water with salt, move next to the ocean. Or you can just drink your own urine like Bear. Unless you have the technology to filter it like Kevin Costner in Water World, just bring 10galloons of it along with you wherever you go. Water is PRECIOUS, so don’t waste it on golden showers! Squeegee that shit off your prostitute and into a container next time!
· Food. You can safely consume almost anything. Just remember, DO NOT eat brightly colored mushrooms, anything that smells rotted, curdled milk, hot dogs within 20miles of Venice Beach, or anything from Long John Silver’s. By all means, if you love dying a slow and painful death by diarrhea, then eat any of the above foods. But don’t make me say I told you so. You can also do well to stalk a game trail for some meat. Or if you’re Usain Bolt you can just run and catch and kill your own wildebeast for dinner. Tip: Go for the jugular or the genitals for the death blow.
· Navigation. Although you can’t see any stars to navigate by in the city, you are far from screwed. It’s so easy to make a compass. Find a needle—like the hypodermic one you use for drugs. Good news is that HIV, hepatitis, or any other incurable disease on your needle will not affect its navigation capabilities. Rub it on your clothes to magnetize it, attach it to 2 pieces of cork, and suspend it over water and the tip will point north. Note: You will not be able to get around unless you do drugs—GPS is a scam made up by NASA.
· Fire. Prometheus stole that shit from the gods so we could cook, warm ourselves, for God to couple with Brimstone, and so we’d have something to do during riots. It’s incredibly easy to start a fire. Since most forest and grasslands fires are started by lightning, try placing a metal rod in the middle of a pile of really dry wood on your stove top or fireplace. Then be PATIENT! It’ll happen. You can also try giving a box of matches to a 5yr old and then turning your back for a few minutes. If all else fails, invite a redneck over to your house for the Fourth of July and tell him that you’ll provide the beer if he brings the fireworks. Get ‘er done.
· Domesticated animals. Because we couldn’t be hunter-gatherers forever. Domesticated animals are absolutely necessary for food and to pin against one another in a battle to the death for our betting pleasure. Domesticated animals also double as sexual partners (bestiality, holla) when this wintery economic climate renders a dildo way too expensive of a luxury. To get a domesticated animal, just pick up one at Walmart. To buy your domesticated animals in bulk, try Sam’s. To get free range domesticated animals, try Whole Foods. To get dead domesticated animals, go to hell.
· A lawyer. Because of the inevitable parking tickets, moving violations, DWIs, murder, sodomy, etc, you’re gonna need one. Just watch daytime tv for a few minutes and you’ll find a good one; once you get mesothelioma and know to call the law offices of James Sokolove, you’ll be glad you did. You can also try to trap a lawyer using a snare made from your bootlace. They’re favorite haunts are scenes of minor traffic accidents, offices of known malpracticing doctors, and the Jerk Store.
· Annoyingness. If you are annoying someone will absolutely kill you in the city. If you’re asking yourself right now “I wonder if I’m annoying” then you probably are. Kill yourself now and save everyone else the trouble and the 25 ta life.
· A positive attitude. Bear says this is the most important survival skill you can wield… that and possibly ninja skills. You can only be Asian and have ninja skills though, otherwise you’d just look like Chuck Norris. I think I’d rather have a negative attitude and stick with ninja skills. I love being Asian.
I think it’s very important to note that none of these tips will help you survive the end of the world which, from my understanding, will come about soon. Scientology texts tell us it will either come through alien invasions, robot uprisings, zombie outbreaks, or anti-evolution with monkeys making this the planet of the apes. Sadly, there is nothing we can do to stop the end. We might as well give up now. Bear Grylls, you’re only prolonging our agony. And just so I’m not under any type of legal obligation, after reading my survival tips, do not hold me accountable for hauntings, STDs, Hurricane Katrinas (and Bills), riots, fatassness, bulimia , incarceration, heart attacks, diarrhea, drug addictions, Michael Vick Syndrome, suicide, a desire to be Asian, or any other damages whether direct, collateral, or liquidated. See, it pays to get a lawyer off an infomercial. Love to the Jerk Store.
Audrey
Book of the Week: The Jungle by Upton Sinclair. It’s probably my favorite guide on how to survive the Chicago meatpacking industry. My next favorite novel is This Bitch on how to navigate the seedy underworld of the Asian dog-meat market.
Movie of the Week: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. This movie blows. The attack on the sub-arctic Cobra command center is just one ripoff after another of the Rebel Fleet’s attack on the Galactic Empire in Episode IV: A New Hope and I’m sick of Star Wars imitations. Sienna Miller…really? Stick to coke. Marlon Wayans? Keep with White Chicks. And the kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun? Stay in syndication. Channing Tatum and the red-hed chick were hot though.
Video of the Week: Survivor
by Destiny’s Child. Before Beyoncé
got real.
(since embedding is disabled, click on the video and then click on it again for the link to youtube)
My Absolute New Favorite Feature: Top Adds on Craigslist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To the guy who yelled: Hey Faggot!
To the guy in the white pick-up truck who yelled: "Hey faggot, nice purse!" while I was walking down the street carrying a tote bag -- do you have any idea where you are? This is Dyke Heights my friend. We all carry tote bags and you are the fucking minority who needs to watch your ass. As for calling me a faggot -- thank you. While most people take me for a dyke, seeing as I'm female, the days I pass as a flamboyant queer boy are some of the best days of my summer. Cheers!
- One of the many proud faggy dykes on Willy Street.
And just because that one was so great, the encore:
To
the lady downtown who yelled "Where's the Aloha?!!"
Dear local asian lady with the angry mask of
hate and rage on her face (@7a.m. Nuuanu Ave downtown 6-1-09). Sorry I didn't
let you pull into my lane and occupy the same space as I was. Truth be told I
was under the strange misconception that two objects of relatively equal weight
and mass cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Stupid me. To really
nail it down, though- had you signaled I might have been able to guess your
intention without actually having to read your mind. Lots of drivers these days
aren't psychic, and I know that signal lever is heavy for your pudgy paw to
move so early in the morning (though you seem to be able to give me the pudgy
finger pretty deftly.)
The part that really cracked me up was when you rolled down your window and leaned out of the window opening, your face a veritable gargoyle, teeth bared as you roared, "Hey! Where's da Aloha?!!" Let me tell you- I'm certain that when the ancient Polynesians coined the term "Aloha" they were thinking of you driving your car into me without signaling- I'm almost certain of it.
I apologize for not letting you in to turn into the Heco building- I assume your place of work- but honestly I didn't see you, as I tried to tell you while you continued to scream epithets and flip me off. Here's a few pointers for you:a) don't look for "da Aloha" during rush hour downtown. It may be there, but chances are everyone is somewhere between sleepy and brain dead, swilling coffee and navigating traffic and not really super focused on philanthropy, which generally sleeps until 9.
b) Although it creates an artistic example of juxtaposition, flipping
someone off and asking "Where's Da Aloha" seems sort of ludicrous.
c) Signal your turns. Duh.
d) you're da local- I'm (to coin your oh-so-eloquent verbiage) da
"f#*kin' tourist. If YOU'RE asking
ME where da Aloha is, we're all in worse trouble than we thought.
And finally- I'm sure you're somebody's wife or tutu or auntie or
cousin- I'm practically certain there might be someone at home who loves you
and wants you to get to and from work safely and home for dinner. Perhaps
starting fights in traffic with burly out of work construction workers on their
way to the unemployment office isn't the best way to assure your safe passage.
Just a thought.
But cest la vie- shikata ga nie- the bridge is under the proverbial water. Aloha and have a great day.
Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China,
Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe
Rosenbergs, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, "The King and I", and "The Catcher in the Rye"
Josef Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev
Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc
Roy Cohn, Juan Peron, Toscanini, Dacron
Dien Bien Phu Falls, Rock Around the Clock
Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team
Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland
Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Khrushchev
Princess Grace, Peyton Place, Trouble in the Suez
Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac
Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, Bridge On The River Kwai
Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle, California Baseball,
Starkwether, Homicide, Children of Thalidomide
Buddy Holly, Ben Hur, Space Monkey, Mafia
Hula Hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go
U2, Syngman Rhee, payola and Kennedy
Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo
Hemingway, Eichmann, Stranger in a Strange Land,
Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion
Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania
Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson
Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British Politician sex
J.F.K. blown away, what else do I have to say
I’ll tell you what else I have to say…we sure as hell didn't start the fire but why the hell has it gone out? Has global warming thawed the cold war? What about the red scare? Nancy Pelosi, take after Joseph McCarty and get off your ass and start some hearings. Maybe add Carrot Top, Gilbert Godfrey, and Brett Michaels to your Hollywood blacklist. I know I’m still a capitalist pig that deserves to pay for my crimes. Mr. Gorbachev…put UP that wall!
Maybe the world could use a little more communism, you know, the throw-back kind with KGB and CIA spies and nuclear scares. The only current communist countries are China, Cuba, Laos, Vietnam, and North Korea and they SUCK. China needs us for economic reasons, so they’re not gonna start shit. Cuba without Castro is like Mr. T without jibber jabber. Laos…what the hell is that? Do they even have weapons grade uranium? Vietnam isn’t the threat it used to be. North Korea is a joke. Kim Jong Il looks like Frank Costanza on Seinfeld and probably wears a bro just like him. How about the Communist party recently losing the election in Moldova? So disappointed. Moldova, get your shit together! Pathetic!
Communism has seriously gone down hill. Because of its downfall there aren’t even any good plot lines for James Bond anymore—I’ll take SPECTRE over Quantum any day. Russia’s lost a lot of prestige too. That hammer and sickle was BADASS. Plus how much more intimidating does “Premier Medvedev” sound than “president Medvedev”? And can we talk about how scientifically remarkable it is that Communists can survive solely on vodka and radiation as their only source of sustenance? Call me old fashioned, but maybe I was just sort of wishing that my kids and I could bond together while constructing our very own fallout shelter, but now I guess we’re just gonna have to settle with playing Wii.
Though I was only alive for six years of the cold war, I have to say that I am nostalgic for it and the thing I miss most are the defectors. Wikipedia describes defection as “involving abandoning a person, cause or doctrine to whom or to which one is bound by some tie, as of allegiance or duty”. That sounds like me when I was 5 and ran away from home. You just leave. Sure, you have something or someone that you’re leaving behind—a dog, rabbit, tv, your wife, kids, and homeland—but you kind of just don’t give a shit and leave anyways. Maybe you go a few blocks, sit down and cry and some stranger in a trench coat offers you candy and a ride home or you cross the boarder with some forged papers and decided to turn around, either to the welcoming embrace of your mother or the massacre of an execution squad, but maybe you just keep going on until you’re free from everything you left behind in the first place. How romantic.
There were a ton of defectors, and though it’s only an estimation, more people defected during the Cold War than die in New Jersey of diarrhea every day. There were numerous ballet dancers, chess players, Olympians, KGB agents, and just everyday Ivans and Olgas. There were even a lot of Western defectors like rogue CIA and MI6 agents and a group of 22 POWs that refused to be repatriated after the Korean War and instead stayed in China. I really respect defectors, Eastern and Western—I’m an equal opportunity defector respector. I put together a list of my favorite defectors so we can revel in their stories of triumph from oppression.
- Svetlana Alliluyeva, Joseph Stalin’s daughter. After her daddy died and mother Russia took away the silver spoon, she decided to peace out of that joint. She lives in Florida now and runs a retirement community entitled “The Meadow View Vista Gulag” where the residents are required to stitch Gucci wallets to be on the streets of Hong Kong by 4:30. Oh, and if your fingers hurt you WILL pull landscaping duty.
- Marko Ramius. Captain of the submarine Red October with the revolutionary “catapillar” propulsion system. Not gonna lie, but the movie kicks ass because it has those guys from Jurassic Park, JAWS, and MAMMA MIA! and the special effects on the submarine are done by the guy from Police Academy. Marko defected because he was pissed about his wife’s death—caused by the incompetence of a Soviet doctor. So he took his crew hostage and defected in a brilliant plan discovered by a young CIA agent played by Alec Baldwin. You know what I’m pissed about? Alec Baldwin. From 30 Rock to Red October…man, you really let yourself go. No wonder you spend your time leaving obscene messages on your kid’s voicemail…I’d be pissed at the world, and especially an innocent child, too.
- Martina Navratilova. She defected to the United States from Czechoslovakia during the1975 US Open where she shouted “Screw you bitches, I’m leaving to become a capitalist and a lesbian”. She later went on to win 18 grand slam singles titles and did indeed become a lesbian. She just got her second divorce but has never regretted her decision or sexuality.
- Gymnastic coaches Béla and Marta Károlyi in 1980. Thank God, who else would have carried Kerri Strug to the medal stand? Who else would have high fived Shawn Johnson after her floor routine? Who else would have helped Bob Costas with his commentary? Who else cares?
- Nadia Comăneci. I care about her. She was the first gymnast to receive a perfect 10 (though she only gets a 6.5 in the looks department) and won gold in both the Montreal and Moscow games. Some say she left Romania in 1989 to escape the horrors of the Ceauşescu regime. Maybe it was to pursue a career as a professional athlete. But yeah, it was probably because she dressed like a skank and was bulimic.
- Sergei Fedorov. Plain and simple, he defected so he could be paid in actual cash. The Soviet Union was notorious for paying its debts by non-monetary means. Siegfried and Roy used to be concert pianists who once had the privilege of playing for a group of senior officials in Stalingrad. There was no money so they got paid in the form of one Siberian Tiger. They thought they’d make the best of it and start a show in Vegas. Then the tiger attacked the shit out of Roy. This is why we use money in exchange for goods and services and not big cats.
- Anakin Skywalker. He just wanted to love and be loved so he defected to the dark side and emerged as this century’s coolest movie badass. Ok, he wasn’t a communist but might as well have been. The Galactic Empire had an eerie similarity to the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. I bet if you fired two proton missiles down an exhaust shaft into the reactor core of the Ukraine then it’d blow up too.
Of course, by the above definition, there were other badass defectors in history who weren’t necessarily communists and I think they’re well worth mentioning.
- The von Trapp family. How do you solve a problem like Maria (and Nazis chasing you?) You dump that Hitler Youth Fritz and leave for Switzerland and eventually go on to own your own ski lodge in Vermont. Take that National Socialism.
- Cate Blanchett in The Good German. She tried to engineer the opportunity for her and her genius Nazi husband to defect to the United States and stay out of the iron-clad grasp of the Soviets. But basically she was a slut who slept with George Clooney, Tobey Maguire, and her rocket scientist husband. A bad German and an even badDER movie.
- Moses. He had enough of Pharaoh’s shit and led his people to the Promised Land. He saw a burning bush, made water gush from a rock, received the 10 Commandments, and learned the true name of God. He probably has the most kickass resume out of any defector in history. Sure, his defection lasted 40 years, but you can’t rush a good thing. And the Red Sea was nothing, I bet he could have parted the Berlin Wall too, or he just could have walked through Checkpoint Charlie. Either way, he could get from point A to defected point B.
- Martin Luther. Among other things, Luther bitched about the sacraments, authority of the Pope, and how many times he had to kneel and then stand up during Catholic services. He was known to voice his discontent in the form of 95 Theses, which he nailed to a church door in 1517. Thesis #1 read “You are gay” and thesis #95 read “I am gay”. Hmmm, maybe Catholicism and Protestantism really are the same thing. Come on Northern Ireland, stop the fussin’ and the feudin’.
- Pocahontas. She really took those smallpox infested blankets and ran!…all the way to England leaving no one to paint with all the colors of the wind. Well, Sacajawea tried but you know…those dicks Lewis and Clark and all…and the smallpox.
- Peter Pan. He was sick and tired of growing up, so he defected to a place where he didn’t have to, Neverland. I can understand that…but why did Captain Hook defect? He’s already grown up. I don’t know, I’m a little put off by it. There’s just something about a bunch of guys on a boat chasing a little boy…sounds kinda gay…and illegal.
- Dog the Bounty Hunter. No, he never defected, but what if he was working for the KGB? He, along with his brothers, sons, Beth, and Beth’s boobs, could have virtually tracked down every Soviet defector. And he doesn’t even give a hoot about crossing borders. Actually come to think of it, I’m pretty sure he’s the cause of Leon Trotsky’s death in Mexico. After the crew captured him, bound him in plastic handcuffs, and stuffed him in the back of the suburban, Dog and Beth tried to lecture him to turn his life around and accept Stalin into his heart. Trotsky was obviously so disturbed by it all that he hung himself by Dog’s mullet and one of his dread lock sideburns.
The true beauty of defection is that you’re granted a certain level of asylum and protection. It’s like “sanctuary” in the Hunchback of Notre Dame—you’re off limits (except to grotesquely deformed freaks). However, I guess I’m still a little confused as to the difference between defection and illegal immigration but I suppose that distinction is the privilege for an elected official to decide. Though I’m still sort of bummed on how the Cold War panned out, I suppose the fall of communism doesn’t necessarily mean the fall of old school defection. Problem is that I can’t find a suitable country to defect to and certainly not a communist one. Maybe I should try something new, like a principality…make room for me Liechtenstein! And be forewarned, after my defection I’m gonna kick it like it’s the last day of Rome.
Audrey
***New Book of the Week- Animal Farm by George Orwell. Do yourself a favor and skip to the end…the pigs did it.
Video of the Week: We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel
(click on the
video and then click on it again for the link to youtube)
Songs of the Week: The Great Defector by Bell X1
Back
in the USSR by
the Beatles
*Also, the font has been upgraded for your viewing pleasure
They’re quiet, a little too quiet. Plus they’re full of solitary weirdos, annoying kids, deceivingly uncomfortable chairs, erratic thermostats, disease-laden keyboards on shitty ass computers, and people who refuse to pay the $1.50 video rental fees at blockbuster. Library to you and I, libARY to the masses, and Bibliothek to the European remainders. But are libraries things of the past? As far as being book repositories, some people estimate that the library will be extinct in 20 years. In an increasingly paperless world there is simply no room for libraries.
I can’t say that I’m surprised. Most people don’t even go to the library anymore. Poor libraries, what can they do to attract more people? It’s not like they can have a sale or anything…shit’s already free! Whose brilliant idea was that in the first place? Letting people borrow books with hopes that they’ll someday return them. Skip keeping their address and charging them a dime a day in late fees, do something that will guarantee that borrowing son of a bitch will return your book. How about taking some collateral? Demand a first born child. That’s what God does. Monkey read in the Bible monkey do.
I guess I don’t go to the library as much as I could either. I don’t even have a library card and can’t remember the last time I went to the library for non-academic purposes. Hell, I don’t even know how to find a book in the library anymore. To me, looking for a book in a library is like trying to find something you need at Home Depot and I just refuse to waste 3 hrs of my life wandering the halls. But I suppose my biggest objection to libraries is the fact that I’ve been an awful patron and the supernatural guilt keeps me away. In college I was studying deep within the boweled dungeons with a 10min walk to the bathroom. Tired running to one every minute after 3 redbulls, I decided it was better to discreetly relieve myself in a trashcan (duh, only #1!). In high school I had Alex Haley’s Roots in my possession for four whole years, depriving half a generation of teenagers the joy of the saga of an American family. In middle school I think I was actually banned from the library for a while after my participation in a test cheating ring aimed to get reading points that could go towards the purchase of snickers bars, scrunchies, and slap bracelets. I’m done with libraries and libraries are so done with me.
But I’ll tell you what has done more to hurt libraries than my defecation: technology. Following books on tape’s lead to literature digitalization, Amazon has developed its Kindle “e-book”. People have praised the environmental aspects of it—saving trees and landfill space, etc. Guess the world is too green for Anne of Green Gables. Amazon also flaunts Kindle’s advantages over regular books: low weight, big lit screen, long battery life, internet connectivity, and storage capacity. However, they seem to have still missed the point and haven’t found a solution to my biggest problem—I hate reading. Video killed the radio star, will Kindle kill the book and library? Will internet pirates illegally download copies of Stephen King? Will Stephanie Meyer lose millions to Twilight bootlegging? Will schoolchildren digitally steal copies of the Hardy Boys? No, because I don’t think I’m the only one who hates reading. And the Hardy Boys suck.
But what
about the children? Kids are perhaps the
biggest library demographic. But I don’t
know, I think it makes for some real inappropriate exposure. If you give your kid a library card you might
as well let them watch Real Sex on
HBO with you. I had a friend in elementary school who was
actually banned from checking out
books. His parents found some really
obscene pictures and words in some of them and laid down the law. Like someone had replaced all the words
“mouse” with “bitch” in If You Give a Mouse
Bitch a Cookie, made a cartoon flipbook of sexual penetration in Goodnight Moon, and drew some genitalia
in a book. “Brown Bear Brown Bear, what do you see?” A penis.
The bear might have seen something else, but we definitely saw a
penis. Seriously, libraries attract a
bad crowd…and also maybe some pedophiles.
Despite all this the Library of Congress seems to be doing well…biggest library in the world, not too shabby. I’ve never been there but imagine it to be something like the Hogwarts library, but not exactly. The Hogwarts library has a “Restricted Section” filled with books about forbidden spells and dark magic. No restricted section at the Library of Congress. What would they put in it? Books on how to make a bomb or process weapons-grade plutonium? Or what about porn? The problem with libraries is that they don’t keep all the books with boobs in them all in the same section, they’re interspersed throughout the whole damn thing. You can kiss my ass Dewey Decimal system. And out of everyone in the government, why does Congress get the most kickass library? I thought all the branches were equal? What ever happened to checks and balances? They say knowledge is power. I don’t like the way congress is stirring the pot here. Those fat cats need to share the wealth.
Sadly, the library is going down. Maybe it’s because there’s one in Hanover, New Hampshire that smells like urine. Maybe it’s because there are too many penises in our books. Or maybe because maintaining a clean library record is more stressful than keeping your credit score up. Despite all that I’ve said, I don’t have a lot against libraries and, in the rare occurrence that I feel inclined to read, I actually love them. In fact I remember the last book I had from the library—it was a biography on Kaiser Wilhelm II that was written before his abdication in 1918. I returned it a day before graduating college. In the last sentence the author spoke about his unremitting optimism about the success of all the Kaiser’s future endeavors and I should do the same here on libraries, the book empire. I look forward to visiting one soon and maybe their fate won’t be so grim. So, now that Harry Potter’s all done I’m waiting for my new reading obsession to hit. I can’t wait to see what it’ll be. They should totally bring back Goosebumps, but for adults. I’d read that shit in a second. Or Baby Sitter’s Club? Hook me up.
Audrey
Videos of the Week:
British people are fucked up.
Muppets is fucked up.
Classic Seinfeld.
Links of the Week:
Brought to
you by the American Literacy Organization and endorsed by the voice of reading enthusiast Lil John. It also includes other important messages that plague American society.
Add to your Netflix: Legionnaire starring Jean-Claude van Damme. Is he French, Dutch, German, Danish, or from Belgium in real life? Who cares. He straps on a bayonette and gives it to a bunch of Berbers in Morocco and all without a shirt on. Surprisingly this gem went straight to DVD in the US, but was a blockbuster hit in Europe. JCVD needs to pump out more movies. Someone should put him in the next Terminator.
Neighborhood
Explore friends, family, friends & family, or entire neighborhood.
Recent Comments
-
Leah said:
Aud- YOINK and PSYCH are great words. I'm in complete agreement. I also loved "Let the right one in" Oskar... read more
on Save The Words -
Leah said:
BETWIXT AND BETWEEN!!! kind of like "he defied a nation to define a nation" read more
on Skinny Phat -
Leah said:
Great post aud. I especially love the QUÉ! reference to the WHO and the shoutout to my favorite movie Outbreak.... read more
on 28 Days Later... -
Oh my gosh, I forgot about "the bro." genuis. read more
on The Defect Effect